


Touhou Project drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-01
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2018-05-22 18:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 126
Words: 13,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 1-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.</p><p>For the <a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/"><strong>31_days</strong></a> "<a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html">relevant to my interests</a>" prompt.</p><p>See also <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Young_Ones_%28TV_series%29"><em>The Young Ones</em></a>.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Crop Rotation In The 14th Century

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[relevant to my interests](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [_The Young Ones_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Young_Ones_%28TV_series%29).

Marisa was paying a visit to Patchouli's library. "Got anything interesting to read?" she asked Patchouli.

"No," Patchouli said patiently. "'Somebody' has already 'borrowed' all of the most interesting books."

Marisa grinned at her playfully. "Aw, c'mon, Patchy! You must have SOMETHING interesting left."

"Well," Patchouli said, "I'm almost done with this book I'm reading now. It's a fascinating history of [crop rotation in the 14th century](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12W34XWIQwU). I've learned that it was CONSIDERABLY more widespread after—"

Marisa impatiently cut her off. "Patchy? No offense, but if you find THAT interesting, you need to get out of the library more often."


	2. Dirty Laundry Trick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[good secrets are hard to keep](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Aya set a large box on her newspaper-office desk. "What's that?" Momiji asked.

"Reimu's dirty laundry," Aya said gleefully.

Momiji perked up. "Ooh! Is it her personal papers? Or her childhood journals?"

"No. I just told you. It's her dirty laundry." Aya opened the box and pulled out a handful of Reimu's underwear.

"Eww," said Momiji. "What are you going to do with Reimu's dirty laundry? You can't really write a story about it."

"I'm going to SELL it!" Aya said eagerly. "Do you have any idea how much money perverts will pay for this stuff?"

"Eww," Momiji said again.


	3. Burrowed Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[down the rabbit hole](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also a whole bunch of Bugs Bunny cartoons.

"Where's Reisen?" Kaguya asked Eirin. "I haven't seen her all day."

"She went on vacation." Eirin pointed through a window at the opening of a bunny-girl-sized burrow-run.

"It would have been easier to take the bus," Kaguya noted. "I wonder where she went."

"You could follow her down that hole and find out," a smiling Eirin suggested.

"Oh HELL no," Kaguya said. "That rabbit hole could lead ANYWHERE."

—

Reisen poked her head out of the ground to see a sign: _Welcome to beautiful downtown Burbank_.

"Oh dear," Reisen said to herself. "[I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8TUwHTfOOU)."


	4. Taking Her Toll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[hold it!](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains DIABEETUS. Reader discretion is advised.

Sakuya had returned to the mansion after shopping for groceries. "Good afternoon, Meiling," she said politely as she walked through the front gate.

"HALT!!" Meiling shouted.

Sakuya scowled. "What? Why?"

"You didn't pay the 'toll'," Meiling said sternly.

Sakuya sighed. "Really, Meiling? Do I HAVE to?"

"Yup." Meiling held out her arms. "Every friend who passes through this gate owes me a hug."

"Ugh." Sakuya set down her groceries and allowed Meiling to give her a heartfelt bear-hug.

"There, now," Meiling said happily. "This isn't that bad, it it?"

"YES," an embarrassed Sakuya said through clenched teeth. "YES IT IS."


	5. Hanami Schmanami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[nature, schmature](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Eirin walked up to the open door of Kaguya's room. "Aren't you coming with us to view the cherry blossoms?" Eirin asked.

Kaguya was hibernating under her _kotatsu_. "Unless they're different than in the last three hundred years, I think I'll pass."

"Reisen and I packed lots of snacks and saké," Eirin said enticingly.

Kaguya pointed to a _hikkikomori_ 's mini-fridge in the corner. "Thanks, but I'm good."

Eirin played her trump card. "Don't forget that Mokou is coming."

Kaguya sat up. "Well... Moko- _chan_ might get all mopey and bring down the party if I'm not there to kill her again."


	6. Being A Maid Sucks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[coffee, tea, or juice?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild vampire humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Sakuya set a beverage tray on Remilia's dining-room table. 

"What would you like to have with your breakfast?" Sakuya asked. "Coffee, tea, or juice?"

"Tea, please," Remilia said politely.

"Yes, Milady." Sakuya poured a cup of tea, added a dash of cream— and drank it herself in one gulp.

And then, she unfastened her collar to give her loli vampire mistress access to the veins in her neck. "Breakfast is served, Milady."

As Remilia fed eagerly, Sakuya felt herself grow dizzy from sudden low blood pressure. "Don't eat your breakfast... too quickly, Milady," she slurred. "You'll give yourself... a tummyache..."


	7. Can't Kill It With Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[spark to the flame](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Eirin had asked Mokou to come to Eientei to discuss an important matter with her and Kaguya.

"The Bamboo Forest is experiencing an unusually long and severe drought," Eirin said. "A single spark could burn the forest, and Eientei itself, down to the ground. Could you two scale back your duels until we get some rain?"

"Yeah, alright," Mokou said. "As long as the Princess doesn't provoke me, I won't use any fire-based attacks on her."

Kaguya condescendingly patted Mokou's head. "D'awww. Poor little Moko- _chan_ can't play with matches any more."

Eirin face-palmed. "Kaguya, I believe that counts as provocation."


	8. Flandre Flounder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[moth wings](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"Meiling?" asked Remilia. "Were you the one who made construction-paper wings and pasted them over Flandre's real wings?"

"That's right," Meiling said sweetly. "Every little girl should get to wear 'fairy wings' at least once."

"You know my sister is 'special'," Remilia said. "Did it not occur to you that she might try to fly with those wings—"

As if on cue, they both overheard a childish shriek and the sound of a body hitting a hardwood floor.

Meiling winced. "Oh dear. Even for a powerful vampire like Flandre, that's GOTTA hurt."

"And Sakuya just waxed the floor," Remilia added.


	9. Burned Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[dragonfire and brimstone](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains graphic descriptions of horrific violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Kaguya was taunting Mokou before their daily duel. "What cruel fate awaits me today, Moko- _chan_?"

Mokou was already aflame. "You're about to suffer the most exquisite agony, Princess. I'm going to burn your skin away, ever so slowly, and then I'm going to bake the flesh hanging on your bones. I'll leave your tongue for last so that I can enjoy your screams. When I'm done with you, you'll wish that you were merely suffering in hell."

Kaguya sighed. "AGAIN?"

"If YOU can think of a new way to get killed after three hundred years," Mokou growled, "I'm all ears."


	10. Shelved Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[to change your life, change your mind](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Patchouli held up an over-sized book. "I'd like to shelve this book by the reading desk," she said to Koakuma.

"But it's too tall," Koakuma said. "We'll have to unload the bookcase and remove one of its interior shelves."

"And then we'll have to shift that shelf-load of books across every shelf in these cases," Patchouli said.

"And the cases are full anyway," Koakuma said. "We'll have to hire a craftsman to build another case..."

"...on second thought," Patchouli said, "let's put this book back where it was and have a cup of tea."

"Yes Ma'am," said a relieved Koakuma.


	11. Drawing A Blank

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[blank sheet of paper](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> Marisa can ruin ANYTHING.

Marisa found Nitori sitting at an old-fashioned engineer's drawing board. "Drawin' up some plans?" Marisa asked her reclusive friend.

"Yes." Nitori picked up a mechanical pencil. "I just love this part of a project. When you're starting with a blank sheet of paper, you're limited only by your own abilities and your imagination." 

"Wow," an impressed Marisa said. "I wouldn't know where to begin. Don't you find a 'blank slate' like that completely intimidating?"

Nitori stared at the page, and then she set down her pencil and held her face in her hands. "Well," she whimpered, "I didn't until NOW."


	12. Flower A-Rage-Ing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[temper temper](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains off-screen sadist-Yuuka violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou was chatting with Keine during a break between history classes at the village school.

"Have you heard that Yuuka is teaching an elective class in flower arrangement?" Keine asked. "She's holding a class right now."

Mokou sweat-dropped. "No, I hadn't. How's THAT working out?"

As if on cue, they both suddenly heard crashing noises and Yuuka's sadistic laughter over the terrified screams of her students.

"Unfortunately," Keine said, "the class isn't so much about arranging flowers as it is about RE-arranging FACES."

"Is it too late to sign up Kaguya for that class?" Mokou asked with an evil grin.


	13. Somebody Stop Marisa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Oct-2015; cross-over/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[this mask I wear](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [_The Mask_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Mask) (duh).
> 
> This contains cartoon slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Alice was sharing tea, snacks, and gossip with Reimu at the Hakurei Shrine.

"Have you heard that Marisa found a magical artifact?" Alice asked. "Rumor has it that the thing drove her INSANE."

"Mmm," said Reimu.

As if on cue, a green-faced and garishly-dressed Marisa crashed into the room and struck a pose. "SMOKIN!!" she shouted.

Alice and Reimu calmly watched Marisa crash back through what was left of the wall, and then perform loop-the-loops and barrel-rolls above the shrine on a rocket-powered broom.

"If you ask me," Alice said, "it's hardly changed her at all."

"Mmm," Reimu said again.


	14. Nine-Ball Noughts And Crosses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[tic tac toe](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains バガ。 Reader discretion is advised.

Meiling was trying to keep Cirno occupied and out of trouble at the mansion front gate. "Would you like to play tic-tac-toe with me?" Meiling asked.

"WHAT!? NO!!" Cirno covered her bare feet. "I don't want a tick or a tack in my toe!!"

"No, sweetie, it's just a game." Meiling kneeled and drew a three-by-three grid in the dust. "Now, make an 'X', OK?"

"OK!" Cirno cheerfully drew an 'X' a meter away from the grid.

The usually kind and gentle Meiling felt her temper rise. _Do not punch the fairy_ , she reminded herself. _Do NOT punch the fairy..._


	15. The Armpit Army

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[you know 'fan' comes from 'fanatic', right?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa and Reimu were strolling through the human village. "It looks like you've got a lot of fans here in town," Marisa said. "They can't keep their eyes off you."

"Actually, that's not a good thing," Reimu said.

"Why?" a concerned Marisa said. "Are they stalking you? Or harassing you?"

"No, but... watch this." Reimu raised her arms and revealed [her armpits](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/reimus-armpits), and every man (and woman) within sight suffered a nosebleed.

Marisa involuntarily shuddered. "Yeah, that's pretty creepy. How do you deal with all those armpit fetishists?"

"Seclusion and meditation," Reimu said, "and also, deep cynicism and heavy drinking."


	16. Lightning Strikes Twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[lightning strikes twice](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"Milady?" asked Sakuya. "Did you order Meiling to install a lightning rod on the mansion clock tower?"

"Yes, I did," Remilia said. "The last time lightning struck the tower, it almost started a fire, you know."

"Yes," Sakuya said patiently, "but I also know that we happen to be in the middle of another electrical storm. Did you not at least tell Meiling that this task could wait until after the current storm?"

As if on cue, Sakuya and Remilia overheard a very close lightning strike and a very loud shriek of pain.

"...mayyyybe?" Remilia said in a small guilty voice.


	17. Her Name Is Knowledge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[wrap your head around](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Patchouli found Koakuma staring at the countless stacks and shelves that filled the library. "Penny for your thoughts?" Patchouli asked.

"I was just thinking about the sheer number of books that you have," Koakuma said quietly. "It's a full-time job for me just to keep the books in order. It would be impossible for any one person to take in all this knowledge."

But then, Koakuma nervously corrected herself. "Er, that is, any one person besides YOU, Ma'am."

"Well, my last name IS 'Knowledge'," an amused Patchouli said with false immodesty. "And your sucking up to me is duly appreciated."


	18. Your Incident Is Important To Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[what's your emergency?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Alice ran up to the Hakurei Shrine entrance. "REIMU!! There's been another incident!—"

Suika stepped into the open shrine doorway and sternly pointed to a hook of "Now serving" tags.

"SERIOUSLY!?" Alice shouted. "All of Gensokyo is in danger!! I need Reimu's help NOW!!"

"All of our shrine maidens are currently assisting other customers," Suika said calmly. "Your incident will be handled in the order in which it was received."

Alice sighed and took a number. "I didn't expect to find you working in customer service, Suika."

"There aren't many employment opportunities for _oni_ without a college education," Suika noted.


	19. Wing Around The Collar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[hectic color](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

A grumbling Sakuya walked up to Remilia and slammed down a laundry basket in front of her. "Problem?" Remilia asked.

"Apparently," Sakuya growled, "the colored crystals on your sister's wings have started to stain her clothes. Just look at this!" She held up a psychedelic-patterned blouse.

"Oh dear," Remilia said. "There's only one thing to do."

"Scold your sister, and then buy new clothing?" Sakuya asked hopefully.

"No," Remilia said with sudden childish enthusiasm, "we're gonna gather up everybody else's clothes and have a tie-dye party, and then all of our clothes will match!"

"Far out, man," Sakuya said glumly.


	20. Mind The Gap Youkai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[hole in the world](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Embarrassed Nude Females. Reader discretion is advised.

Reimu stepped out of her bathtub, fell through a suddenly-opened gap, and landed in front of Yukari.

"Oops," said Yukari. "I was just about to visit you. Bad timing, huh?"

"Please send me back to my bathroom," Reimu whimpered.

"Of course." Yukari sent Reimu through another gap, and then giggled. "Silly me! That was the wrong way!"

—

A still-naked Reimu huddled in a mountain-side cave several kilometers from her shrine.

_Stupid gap youkai_ , Reimu thought. _The only way this could become WORSE is—_

Another gap suddenly opened above Reimu, and then a naked Marisa fell on top of her.


	21. Love From Scratch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[scratch marks](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains sex-crazed librarians. Reader discretion is advised.

"Did you see all those scratches on Meiling's arms?" Koakuma asked Patchouli.

"Yes," Patchouli said. "She was only 'rough-housing' with Flandre. But yes, it looked like..."

"...like marks of LOVE," Koakuma agreed.

"Imagine Meiling and her lover," Patchouli said softly, "impassioned and wrestling as one."

"Writhing and clutching at each others' sweat-soaked bodies," a drooling Koakuma said.

"And as they cry out in ecstasy," Patchouli said, "their fingers dig into each others' flesh."

Patchouli and Koakuma sighed deeply in perfect unison.

"I think we've been reading too many romance novels," Patchouli said.

"Maybe we should start writing them," Koakuma said.


	22. Bedlam-Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[bed head](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Kaguya awoke to find herself sprawled under her _kotatsu_ with a face full of hair. _This is worse than walking into a web_ , she thought.

She tried to blow hair from her mouth. "THBBPT!!" Then she tried to move her arms, but they were tangled in her blankets and clothing.

"ARRGH!!" Kaguya kicked her _kotatsu_ over in frustration, rolled from side to side, and flailed her limbs.

—

Eirin and Reisen watched this scene from the open door of Kaguya's room.

"Do you think that she's lost her mind?" Reisen asked.

"I'm afraid she 'lost it' centuries ago," Eirin said sadly.


	23. The Maid Did It With A Knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a pocket full of rye](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

The residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion were playing a [murder mystery game](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cluedo).

"I think," Remilia announced, "the maid did it in the kitchen with a knife."

"No Remi," said Flandre, "the maid did it in the dining room with a knife."

"Obviously," Patchouli said, "the maid did it in the library with a knife."

"Or perhaps," Koakuma said, "the maid did it in the cellar with a knife."

Sakuya glared at Meiling. "Um," Meiling said very nervously, "in the lounge?"

"Well, I 'love' all of you too," Sakuya said dryly. "In fact, I love all of you to DEATH."


	24. Freeload Until You Explode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[hunter or hunted?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Aya sat down for an in-depth interview with Reimu at the Hakurei Shrine.

"You're well known as the most successful _youkai_ exterminator in Gensokyo," Aya said. "Can you tell our readers how you do it?"

Before Reimu could answer, Yukari shouted from the next room. "OI, REIMU!! WHERE ARE YOU!? I'M OUT OF SNACKS!!"

"Actually, it's very simple," an annoyed Reimu said with a straight face. "I let the _youkai_ lounge around my home, and eat all of my food, until they get so FAT that they EXPLODE!!"

"IF YOU WANT ME TO EXPLODE," Yukari yelled, "BRING ME MORE SNACKS!!"


	25. Things That Make You Go NOPE (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[under a gibbous moon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [Things That Make You Go Hmmm...](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Things_That_Make_You_Go_Hmmm...)

Marisa had gone to Eientei for some medicine. She had refused Mokou's usual guide service, and then got lost, and so it was night by the time she arrived.

She found Reisen and Tewi lounging in the front grounds with several dozen moon rabbits. "Yo!" She said in greeting. "Sorry to drop in on you so late. But it's a nice night, huh?..."

Reisen, Tewi, and the rabbits turned to face her. Their eyes reflected the pale light of the moon with a demonic red glow.

"NOPE," a terrified Marisa said to herself. "It's NOT a nice night at ALL."


	26. Things That Make You Go NOPE (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[take a shot](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [_Dirty Harry_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirty_Harry).

"You've got to ask yourself a question," Utsuho said to Marisa, as they faced each other on a subterranean field of battle. "...'Do I feel lucky?'"

Utsuho slowly raised her Control Rod and aimed it at Marisa's face. "Well, DO you, witch?"

Marisa stared at the massive Control Rod. Even at a distance, she could feel its hellish fires. 

Then she looked down at her little mini-Hakkero, comfortably held in the palm of her small hand.

And then, Marisa answered Utsuho— as she ran for her life. "NOPE!! To be honest, at the moment, I'm feeling just a bit INADEQUATE!!"


	27. Too Spent To Spend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Oct-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[money changes everything](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.

Aya had stopped by Kourindou to refill its newspaper rack. "How's business?" she asked Rinnosuke.

"For once, I'm having a profitable month," Rinnosuke said proudly. "Is the paper doing well?"

Aya held up her soy-ink-stained hands. "I'm 'in the black' too," she said with a giggle.

"Well done, us!" Rinnosuke tossed her a hand-towel. "We should celebrate!"

"We could treat all our friends to dinner," Aya said.

"Or an evening at the hot springs," Rinnosuke said.

"Or," Aya said sadly, "we could just collapse with exhaustion from running small businesses."

"I could fall asleep behind the counter now," Rinnosuke agreed.


	28. Things That Make You Go NOPE (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Oct-2015; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a haunting](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> Continued (directly) in part 4.

"Marisa?" asked Reimu. "Are you busy this Halloween night?"

"Ooh!" Marisa perked up. "Are ya throwin' a costume party?"

"No," Reimu said. "Alice and I have a job. It's a big one. We could use your help."

"Oh," said a disappointed Marisa. "Well, I never turn down work. What's the job?"

"Actually, it's an exorcism—" Reimu started to say.

"NOPE," said Marisa.

"It's at the Myouren Temple cemetery—"

"Even more NOPE," Marisa added.

"Apparently," Reimu said, "the previous exorcists who were hired to confront these particular evil spirits have all disappeared—"

"WHAT PART OF 'NOPE' DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND!?" Marisa cried.


	29. Things That Make You Go NOPE (part 4)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Oct-2015; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[gravestones and rattling bones](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> Continued from part 3; concluded in part 5.
> 
> This contains requisite zombies rising from their graves. Reader discretion is advised.

Reimu and Alice had somehow dragged Marisa along to the Myouren Temple cemetery exorcism.

"Well," Marisa whimpered, "I guess this isn't so bad, as long as we don't get separated... REIMU? ALICE? WHERE'D YA GO!?"

And then, someone else answered her. "MaaaaRIIIIsaaaa..."

Marisa sighed. "Yoshika! Have you been causin' trouble?"

"No, I don't think so," the _jiang-shi_ said. "I've only been spending time with some of my FRIENDS."

Several nearby graves suddenly threw up plumes of dirt and dust. And then, the long-dead occupants of the graves arose.

"I am about to NOPE," Marisa declared, "like I've never NOPEd before."


	30. Things That Make You Go NOPE (part 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Oct-2015; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the sounds under the full moon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3116709.html)" prompt.
> 
> Continued from part 4.
> 
> This contains predictable zombie humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa ran back past Alice and Reimu. Marisa was NOPEing so hard that her friends heard a Doppler effect as she passed. "Nope nope nope NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE nope nope nope!!..."

And then, Yoshika and her undead friends shambled into view, in slow but steady pursuit of Marisa. "BRAAAINS," they murmured dully.

Alice and Reimu calmly walked away, knowing that the zombies were too slow to catch them. "If those zombies are hungry for brains," Alice said to Reimu, "why are they chasing Marisa? She doesn't have enough brains for more than a light snack."

"Nope," Reimu agreed.


	31. Theft Petty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[let's start from the pitiful and work our way back](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.

Marisa found Patchouli, Sakuya, and Meiling examining a damaged gate. "Whassup?" Marisa asked.

"A burglar sneaked past me and broke in," an embarrassed Meiling said.

"It wasn't me," Marisa said reflexively.

"We know," Sakuya said. "Whoever did this KNEW what they were doing. That rules you out."

"Hey!" an offended Marisa said. "I COULD'VE done this, you know!"

"This isn't a good time for make-believe, sweetie," Meiling said.

"What about all the books I've stolen from Patchy!?" Marisa yelled.

Patchouli sighed. "Haven't you realized that I LET you take those books?"

"I'm gonna go home and cry now," Marisa said.


	32. Poison To Poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[swallow your poison, for you need it badly](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou had brought an ill Alice to Eientei for treatment. "I think she ate some of these mushrooms," Mokou said to Eirin. 

Eirin immediately recognized the mushrooms. "Yes, those are poisonous. But I have an off-the-shelf antidote for them."

Alice took the medicine. "UGH!!... Now I feel even worse!"

"That's because the antidote is itself highly toxic," Eirin explained. "You'll also need to take this antidote for the antidote."

"Is this second medicine also poisonous?" Alice asked suspiciously.

"No," Eirin said, "it's just an extremely powerful aphrodisiac."

"Oh," said a relieved Alice. "It's just your usual thing, then."


	33. Grandfathered In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[remember weather by the voice of the wheel](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild cruel and/or kinky humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Flandre trotted up to a huge antique grandfather clock. "Good morning, Mr. Clock!" she said.

"GOOD MORNING, MISS FLANDRE," the clock replied in a comically deep yet familiar voice.

"Time and temperature, please," Flandre asked politely.

"EIGHT FORTY-FIVE AM; CLEAR AND 23 DEGREES."

"Thank you, Mr. Clock!" Flandre trotted away.

And then, Sakuya walked up. "It's sweet of you to voice the clock for Flandre's amusement," she said.

"Thank you," Meiling said in her own voice. "Are you going to let me out of here now?"

"No, I don't think so," said a sadistic Sakuya.

"Alright," said a submissive Meiling.


	34. Sunflower Cede

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[and sometimes the only safe place you'll have is tree hollows and flowerbeds](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains pending extreme violence. Reader discretion is advised.

While strolling along a path near her sunflowers, Yuuka suddenly sensed an intrusion. "Show yourself, trespasser!" she shouted.

"Don't wanna!" the trespasser shouted back.

Yuuka recognized the trespasser's voice. "Cirno, what are you doing in my sunflowers?"

"Hiding from Suwako," the ice fairy said. "Can I stay until the coast is clear? Pweeeese?"

Yuuka closed her parasol, thrust its handle into the sunflowers, hooked Cirno by the neck, savagely yanked her out, and held her up.

"NO," Yuuka snarled.

Cirno gazed upon the angry face of the Ultimate Sadistic Creature of Gensokyo, and wished she'd taken her chances with Suwako.


	35. Black As Your Souls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[but I like it because it is bitter, and because it is my heart](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "Head Like A Hole" by Nine Inch Nails.
> 
> This contains the usual Kaguya/Mokou stuff. Reader discretion is advised.

"I made a pot of coffee," Eirin said to Kaguya and Mokou. "How would you like it?"

"I like my coffee as I like Mokou," said Kaguya, "tied up in a burlap sack and dragged away by a donkey."

"Well, I like my coffee as I like Kaguya," said Mokou, "ground into tiny flakes by heavy-duty machinery."

"I like MY coffee SUFFERING THE ETERNAL TORTURES OF THE DAMNED IN THE DEEPEST CIRCLES OF HELL!!" Kaguya yelled.

"I like MY coffee BRUTALLY TORN LIMB FROM LIMB AND SCREAMING WORDLESSLY IN UNIMAGINABLE PAIN!!" Mokou yelled.

"I'll just serve it black," Eirin said.


	36. A Sharp Cookie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[their words become metallic spangles shivering the air](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Touhou-esque graphic violence and an asthmatic joke. Reader discretion is advised.

Koakuma reached up and plucked a throwing knife from Meiling's skull. "I see Sakuya has been scolding you again."

"Oh, I missed one. Thanks." Meiling sighed. "Well, I try not to complain. I know Sakuya is under a lot of pressure."

"That's no excuse," Koakuma said. "You shouldn't have to put up with her sharp tongue, let alone her sharp knives."

"You're good at your job," Meiling asked, "but doesn't Patchouli ever 'throw the book' at you?"

"No," Koakuma said, "but she once tossed a digestive biscuit in my general direction."

"That does sound more like Patchouli's style," Meiling agreed.


	37. Hibermate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I did not know that snakes could hibernate until this one woke up](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains somewhat OOC mild adult language and humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Alice was visiting with Reimu at the Hakurei Shrine when a sleepy Yukari stumbled up. "Whoosha whatsit?" she mumbled.

"Oh MY," Alice said knowingly. "I knew Yukari likes to sleep through the winter, but I didn't know she hibernated with you."

"Don't judge me, alright?" Reimu snapped. "It's only for comfort. This shrine is so cold... and a priestess gets lonely..."

"No, no," Alice said quickly. "I understand. Actually, my house is cold and lonely too. Would you consider loaning her out?"

"Hey!" said a jealous Reimu. "That's MY impossibly powerful yet extremely lazy living body-pillow! Get yer own, bitch."


	38. Controlled Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Dec-2015; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all the hurt growing gardens between us](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3142568.html)" prompt.

Kaguya found Mokou kneeling near the edge of their usual battle grounds, looking through lush grasses and low brush.

"What's wrong, Mokou- _chan_?" asked Kaguya. "Did you lose your keys?"

Mokou ignored her nemesis' snark. "Look at how quickly this ground cover has grown back since the last time we fought here and scorched the earth," she said. "And there's also some wildflowers, and even some medicinal herbs for Eirin. Isn't nature amazing?"

"All *I* see," Kaguya said, "is a bunch of weeds— and a Mokou— that need to be WHACKED."

Mokou face-palmed. "Spoken like a true _hikkikomori_ princess," she grumbled.


	39. Consider The Source

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all we can do is believe in them](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

"Aya?" asked Sakuya. "Do you corroborate your interviews before you publish a story?"

"If I get a scoop from a trustworthy source, I have to run with it," Aya said. "Why do you ask?"

Sakuya read the headline of the current Bunbunmaru Newspaper. "'LOCAL MAID A BIG STUPIDHEAD'?" 

"I can't comment on a breaking story," Aya said.

Sakuya sighed. "If you're going to print everything Remilia tells you while she's throwing a tantrum? You could at least include my side of the story."

"Oh?" Aya asked. "And why should I believe a big stupidhead?"

"I'm cancelling my subscription," Sakuya growled.


	40. Circulation Desk Jockey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[villainy can win against one library, but not against an organization of readers](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

Marisa trudged into Patchouli's library and up to her reading desk, and dropped a huge box next to Patchouli. "Here ya go," she said.

Patchouli blinked in surprise. "Are you actually returning some of my books?"

"Yep," Marisa said. "After Alice, Reimu, an' everybody else realized that I had some of your reference books, they've been buggin' ME to use 'em. I'm tired of being constantly distracted, and so I'm returnin' 'em."

"Oh," Patchouli said. "Well, now you know how I feel."

"Of course," Marisa said, "I'll probably just steal these back again later."

"That goes without saying," Patchouli agreed.


	41. Impatient Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Jan-2016; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I held my hand over your heart all through that final morning](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

An annoyed Kaguya walked into the Eientei clinic, and found Eirin and Reisen at work. "Why didn't you join me for breakfast today?" she asked Eirin.

"I'm sorry, dear," a weary Eirin said patiently, "but I was seeing one of my regular patients for the last time."

"The last time?" Kaguya was suddenly thoughtful. "...I see. My sympathies, Eirin. Well, carry on."

After Kaguya left, Reisen whispered to Eirin. "Aren't you going to tell her that your patient just moved away?"

"Maybe later," Eirin said. "It might be good for our spoiled immortal princess to contemplate human mortality for awhile."


	42. Fire Pit Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[don't be surprised if the fire plays back](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou carefully guided an elderly man to the open front door of Eientei.

"Thank you so much, Miss," the man said. "I wouldn't have survived that long and dangerous journey without your help."

"Don't worry about it," Mokou said modestly as she walked away. "I've guided hundreds of patients along the path, and it isn't really that dangerAAUGH!!" She disappeared into one of Tewi's traps.

"It looks dangerous to me," the man said nervously. "Are you alright, Miss?"

The pit began to glow with Mokou's fires. "Yes," she growled, "and I'm suddenly in the mood for Moon-rabbit fricassee for lunch."


	43. Wings'll Jingle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[maybe being winged means being wounded by infinity](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.

Patchouli and Koakuma silently watched Flandre trot across the open area of Patchouli's library.

"I'd never noticed it before," Koakuma said, "but Flandre's bejewelled wings make a sound like chimes when she moves them."

"One can hear it better in the silence of this library," Patchouli noted.

"I don't know how an immortal vampire like Flandre could tolerate that constant jangle directly behind her for all eternity," Koakuma said. "I should think that the non-stop noise would affect her mind."

Patchouli looked at her subordinate with one raised eyebrow.

"Ah," Koakuma said. "I suppose poor Flandre was already afflicted anyway."


	44. Going Negative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[if no one wants it, why are we stealing it!?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.

Marisa and Alice were rifling through Aya's newspaper office, grabbing all the negatives and memory cards they could find.

"Why are we doing this again?" Alice whispered.

"Aya has incriminating pictures of almost everyone in Gensokyo," Marisa said.

"And we're going to destroy the pictures?" Alice asked.

"No, we're gonna USE 'em!" Marisa said. "I can't wait to blackmail Reimu, an' Patchy, an—"

* _CLICK_ * * _CLICK_ * * _CLICK_ *

Marisa and Alice froze.

Aya lounged in a doorway, holding her camera. "Speaking of blackmail... I wonder what I can get you two to do in return for THESE pictures?"

Marisa and Alice gulped.


	45. Full Mooned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the moon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains predictable nudity. Reader discretion is advised.

Kaguya called to Eirin from her doorway. "Could we put a blanket over my window? There's a full moon outside."

Eirin frowned. "Well, yes. And I could understand your not wanting to see our old home. But it isn't full tonight."

"Not THE moon," Kaguya said. "Come look... but brace yourself first."

Eirin leaned into Kaguya's room and saw a pair of bare buttocks pressed against the far window.

"Oh dear," Eirin said. "I wonder how long Mokou is planning to harass you like that?"

"For the rest of eternity, Eirin," said an amused Kaguya. "For the rest of eternity."


	46. Fairylanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Mar-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[find magic wherever you look](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.
> 
> [My reference](http://en.touhouwiki.net/wiki/Fairy) isn't clear on this, but I believe at least some Gensokyo fairies are as small as traditional fairies.

Reimu awoke at night and sat up in her futon. _I need a drink of water_ , she thought sleepily.

She stood up, took a step, and heard a squeaky-toy sound. "Oops," said Reimu as an angry fairy fluttered away. "Sorry."

She stumbled into the kitchen, grabbed her favorite water glass, and paused to shake another fairy out of the glass.

And then, she returned to her futon, picked it up, and shook it out. Another three or four fairies tumbled out of it.

_I've gotta put screens over the shrine windows_ , Reimu thought. _The freakin' fairies are worse than houseflies_.


	47. Oh Dear Diary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Mar-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a book is like life, and anything can change](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.

Patchouli ran up to Koakuma. "Did you pick up ALL of the books that were on my reading desk!?" Patchouli asked.

Koakuma was shocked to see the usually sedate Patchouli running. "Yuh— yes," she stammered. "They're new, and so I put them on the 'new arrivals' shelf."

"I left my personal diary on the desk next to the new books!!" Patchouli turned back to run for the new arrivals. "I have to get it back before one of our guests finds it—"

And then, Marisa walked up, holding Patchouli's open diary, and grinning an evil grin.

"...oh NO," Patchouli whimpered.


	48. Gensokyo Status Quo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Mar-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[when you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A tired Aya returned to the Bunbunmaru Newspaper office after making her rounds. "Any breaking news?" Momiji asked hopefully.

Aya sat down in her editor's chair. "Half of Gensokyo is having exciting adventures," she said, "and the other half is having kinky lesbian sex."

"In other words?..." Momiji asked.

"It's just another day in Gensokyo," Aya said. "Pretty amazing, but not newsworthy."

Both women sighed sadly.

After a moment, Momiji asked another question. "Why don't WE ever have exciting adventures or kinky lesbian sex?"

"Even if that were newsworthy," Aya said, "we don't make the news. We just report it."


	49. How Are Fangs With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Mar-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[teeth are always in style](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.

Meiling handed one of two sets of plastic fangs to Sakuya. "I thought it'd be fun to wear these for Remilia and Flandre," she said. "Try them on, Sakuya."

"Alright." Sakuya put them in, and then bared them at Meiling.

"Oh wow! They really suit you!" Meiling gushed. "You should ask Remilia to 'turn' you for real!"

"That might be overdoing it," an amused Sakuya said. "Let's see how you look with yours."

Meiling put hers in. "MWAH-HA-HA-HA!... Well?"

Sakuya grimaced. "No, that's not 'you' at all."

Meiling giggled. "Oh well. I guess I'll stick with the 'Chinese dragon' motif."


	50. Ulterior Decorator

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[eclectic](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.

Alice had gone for a visit at Marisa's cluttered yet comfortable house. She and Marisa sat in mismatched chairs and drank tea from completely different sets of china.

"Your eclectic furnishings are... interesting," Alice said. "I suppose that, when you steal everything you have, you end up with quite the random ensemble."

"HEY!!" Marisa said angrily. "I bought some of this stuff at Kourindou, you know! I had to choose from whatever Rinnosuke had in stock at the time."

"I see," Alice said. "Where did you get the things that AREN'T from Kourindou?"

"Oh, I stole them," Marisa admitted cheerfully.


	51. The Well Worn Path

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a group of stones](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.

Keine found Mokou pulling a cart filled with heavy paving stones through the village.

"Are you dragging those stones all the way back to your house in the Bamboo Forest?" a concerned Keine asked.

"Yep." Mokou stopped the cart and stretched her arms. "I'm repairing the foot-path between my house and well."

"What happened to it?" Keine asked.

"I wore it out," Mokou said casually.

"Are you saying," Keine asked, "that you WORE OUT a STONE PATH by WALKING on it!?"

"If you used the same path for half a millenium," the immortal Mokou said, "you'd wear it out too."


	52. Bullied Frog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-May-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[frog in a well, knowing nothing of the sea](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3192648.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains cruel slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Yukari and Eirin were visiting with Kanako at the Moriya shrine. Suwako slowly stumbled past them with her arms outstretched.

"I wonder what's wrong with her?" a worried Kanako whispered.

"I sneaked up behind her and pulled her hat down over her eyes," Yukari said impishly.

The elders watched Suwako wander across the yard, trip over a wishing-well wall, and fall head-first into the well with a shriek.

"If I didn't know she was a powerful god," Yukari said, "I'd feel like a terrible person."

"Don't worry," Eirin said. "You're still a terrible person, and you should still feel bad."


	53. Treasure Punt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-May-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[come, we'll go where there is no road / where no one lives, no one is settled](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3192648.html)" prompt.

Marisa ran up to Patchouli's reading desk, and slammed a book opened to a hand-drawn map in front of Patchouli.

"Look at this map!" said Marisa. "It says there's a huge unclaimed treasure at this ruins in the middle of nowhere."

"How fascinating," Patchouli lied.

"Let's go claim it, Patchy," said Marisa.

"You seem to have mistaken me," Patchouli said, "for someone who cares about anything outside the library."

"Aw, but it'd be fun," Marisa said. "Just you an' me, havin' an adventure... facin' death and danger together..."

"You're doing a terrible job of talking me into this," Patchouli noted.


	54. Self-Deconstruction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-May-2016; angst/horror; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[tell me now, when will this wild wind fall still](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3192648.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains descriptions of gruesome violence and adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Keine found Mokou sulking behind the village school. "Are you alright?" Keine asked. "You haven't been yourself lately."

"No, I haven't," Mokou said quietly, as she raised her right hand. "Last night, I punched a stone until I PULPED this hand, down to the wrist. You can't imagine how painful it was. And it doesn't even matter."

Keine frowned. "That isn't funny, Mokou."

"No, it isn't," Mokou agreed shakily. "You know how everyone has self-destructive impulses? The little voices in your head urging you to jump off a cliff, or drink poison, or set yourself on fire?"

"...yes?" Keine said carefully.

"When you're immortal and invulnerable, those voices become louder. They've been slowly growing louder in my head for centuries. And I can't ignore them anymore."

Mokou began to tremble. "I'm losing my mind, Keine. I'm going crazy. Immortality might be both a blessing and a curse, but being immortal and INSANE is an eternal torture I wouldn't even wish on Kaguya."

Keine knew no words would help. She silently hugged Mokou instead.

"When will this end, Keine?" Mokou whimpered. "When will this END!?"

_I don't know, love,_ Keine thought grimly. _I fear it will be long after *I* die._


	55. Sleep Go-To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[you can run, but I’ll still be in your nightmares!](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Reimu slid into her futon, closed her eyes, and started to drift into sleep.

But then, she spoke without opening her eyes. "Yukari? Please don't watch over me like that. You'll give me nightmares."

Yukari was hovering in a gap above Reimu's futon. "I don't mean to do that. You're just so cute when you've snuggled up."

"I bet you say that to all the shrine maidens," Reimu said dryly.

"If you like," a flirtatious Yukari said, "I could SHOW you how fond I am of you."

"I thought you said you didn't want to give me nightmares," Reimu said.


	56. Punchline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[no puppet strings can hold me down](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is a parody of an old [RWBY fan comic](http://heiszketchup.tumblr.com/post/97520102321).
> 
> This contains somewhat cruel slapstick violence and brief adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa and Alice were having a friendly spar in a clearing in the Forest of Magic.

Marisa charged, dodging Alice's dolls. "You're going DOWN, Alice!" she shouted.

"Not quite yet, I'm not!" Alice cast a puppet spell. Marisa felt it ensnare her wrist.

"Ya gotta do better than that!" Marisa said. "No puppet strings can hold me down!"

But then, Marisa involuntarily made a fist. "Uh oh," she said. "OW! OW! OW!..."

"Why are you hitting yourself, Marisa?" said Alice. "WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF!? HA HA HA!!"

"OW! UNCLE! OW! I GIVE!" Marisa cried. "OW!! WHAT'S THE SAFEWORD!? OW!!"


	57. Zero Day Exploit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[enjoy the calm before the storm](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains off-screen explosive violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Sakuya was enjoying a cup of tea in a quiet sitting room. She gazed peacefully through a window at the lush countryside.

The entire Scarlet Devil Mansion was suddenly rocked by an explosion so powerful that Sakuya bounced in her chair. But she didn't spill a drop of tea.

A short time later, a charred and smoking Meiling stumbled into the room. She staggered up to a changeable sign reading "7 DAYS WITHOUT ACCIDENT", changed its number to a zero, and then collapsed into another chair.

"Flandre?" asked Sakuya.

"Flandre," Meiling groaned.

"Tea?" a sympathetic Sakuya asked.

"Please," Meiling sighed.


	58. Mindless Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[well, this is getting weird](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Alice was visiting with Reimu outside her shrine when Marisa also walked up.

"Sup," Marisa said.

"What do YOU want?" Reimu asked.

"Nothin'," Marisa said casually. "Just sayin' 'hay'."

"You're about to talk me into one of your harebrained schemes, aren't you?"

"Nope."

"You're about to eat my food and drink Suika's sake?"

"Nope."

"You're about to declare your Forbidden Love for me?"

"Nope."

"Then WHAT!?" Reimu yelled.

"Nothin'," Marisa said. "Relax, Reimu."

"AARGH!!" Instead of relaxing, Reimu ran away screaming.

Alice narrowed her eyes at Marisa. "Why ARE you here, really?"

Marisa winked. "To play mind games with Reimu."


	59. Moonshine Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Aug-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a cup of stars](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3229023.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains nudity and drinking humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou set a jug between herself and Keine. "Is that moonshine?" Keine asked.

"I brewed it myself," Mokou said. "It's strong as whiskey and smooth as sake."

"Is it safe?" Keine asked.

"Of COURSE not." Mokou poured a glass for herself. "Are you drinking or not?"

Keine grinned. "Hit me."

—

"...and that's what happened," Keine said to Sakuya.

"That explains WHY you ended up in the Scarlet Devil Mansion clocktower wearing nothing but your hat," Sakuya said, "but it doesn't explain HOW that happened."

"I might be a teacher," Keine said, "but there are some things even *I* can't explain."


	60. Panic In The Clinic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Aug-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[We will go no further. Here begins the land of phantoms.](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3229023.html)" prompt.

Eirin was showing an interested patient around the Eientei clinic. "Does the clinic occupy this entire building?" the patient asked.

"No," Eirin said. "There's a private living area down this hallway. But we shouldn't go back there—"

As if on cue, they heard footsteps. "What was THAT!?" the patient gasped. "It sounded like a GHOST!!"

And then, a pale and disheveled Kaguya slowly shuffled into view, her NEET bedhead-hair hanging over her face.

Eirin's patient screamed and passed out.

"There's not much point in running a clinic," an annoyed Eirin said to Kaguya, "if you scare our patients to death."


	61. Bloodhounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Aug-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[sometimes home has a heartbeat](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3229023.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains ATTACK OF THE LOLI VAMPIRE. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa crept along a Scarlet Devil Mansion hallway, completely failing to evade the Scarlet Devil's attention.

"* _AHEM_ *!!" said Remilia.

"YEEEK!!" Marisa shrieked.

"I thought I smelled the blood of a thief in here," Remilia said. "Actually, your blood smells quite delicious."

Marisa whimpered. "Thanks... but I'd like to keep it. I'm kinda using it at the moment."

Remilia bared her fangs. "Oh, don't worry. I'll leave enough for you to live... probably."

—

Some time later, an extremely pale and haggard Marisa stumbled into Patchouli's library.

"Sakuya is going to be angry with you," Patchouli said sternly, "for spoiling Remilia's dinner."


	62. Pickle Picker Pickle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Sep-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[bad and wrong](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.

While having tea with Alice, Reimu opened a jar of pickled vegetables and ate a slice.

As if on cue, Yukari popped up from a gap. "Ooh, sweet pickled veg? Don't mind if I do."

"Yukari, it's extremely rude to take food without asking," Reimu said.

"Aw, but I know you won't mind—" Yukari froze after eating a slice.

"And they're not sweet," Reimu said. "They're extra-super spicy."

A blue-in-the-face Yukari withdrew into her gap and disappeared.

"Reimu, aren't you really bad with spicy food too?" Alice asked.

"Yes," Reimu said shakily, "but the prank on Yukari was worth it."


	63. Forever Autumn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Sep-2016; general; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Eternal September](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [Forever Autumn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsCdlX-5UjE) by Justin Hayward.

Mokou was escorting another elderly patient along the path through the Bamboo Forest to the Eientei clinic. As they entered a grove of deciduous trees, a leaf fell on Mokou's head.

"Allow me, Miss," the man said as he picked it out of her hair.

"Thanks," a smiling Mokou said.

The man held up the leaf to let the sunlight shine through it. "Each leaf is as unique as a snowflake. Remember to appreciate nature, Miss... before you reach the autumn of your own life."

 _I'll never reach the autumn of MY life,_ Mokou thought, _but I'll keep his advice._


	64. MAREESA JENKINS!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Sep-2016; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Keep It Simple, Stupid](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also [LEEROY JENKINS!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hooKVstzbz0)

Reimu and Alice huddled during a lull in a fierce battle and discussed what to do next.

"I'll use a spell-card to try and scatter them so that we don't have to fight a group of them at once," Reimu said, "And when my spell is done, I"ll need you to come in and cast a spell too, so that we can take them down fast—"

Marisa suddenly ran past them and into the thick of battle, laughing maniacally and wielding her mini-Hakkero with reckless abandon.

"Or we could just do that," Alice said.

"Yeah, that might work," Reimu agreed.


	65. Hare Brained

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Sep-2016; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[sanity check](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.

"What's wrong with Reisen?" Kaguya asked Eirin.

"I recently did an experiment on— I mean WITH her," Eirin said sheepishly, "and I'm afraid she's been a little bit 'confused' since then."

"[I Am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire. I Own A Mansion And A Yacht](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7dCTwlAI8Y&t=0m42s)," Reisen said.

Kaguya's face lit up. "Again!" she said.

"I Am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire. I Own A Mansion And A Yacht," Reisen said.

Kaguya childishly clapped her hands in delight. "Again!" she cried.

"I Am Elmer J Fudd, Millionaire. I Own A Mansion And A Yacht," Reisen said.

"Not helpful, Kaguya," an annoyed Eirin said.


	66. Broom Vroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Oct-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[ride the wild wind](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa was surprised to find Kanako at her front door. "Can I help you?" Marisa asked politely.

"Did you recently special-order a witches' broom from Kourindou?" Kanako asked.

"Yeah, I did," Marisa said. "How did you know?"

"Sanae went shopping for a regular broom," Kanako explained, "and Rinnosuke sold her your broom by mistake."

As if on cue, Sanae half-flew past, desperately clinging to Marisa's out-of-control broom. "eeeeeeEEEEEEeeeeee!!"

"Quit fooling around and give Marisa her broom!" Kanako shouted sternly.

"If it helps her sweep faster," Marisa said, "she can keep it."

"Its speed isn't worth the collateral damage," Kanako said.


	67. Scarlet Devil Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Oct-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[paint the skies scarlet](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains cute hellish imagery. Reader discretion is advised.

Meiling was chatting with Remilia and Sakuya while preparing for her evening guard shift.

"Look at that sky," a worried Meiling said. "It looks like some thunderstorms are rolling in."

"I love evenings like these," Remilia said dramatically. "As the skies grow dark and heavy, EVIL THINGS awaken. And when the sun finally sets, HELL ITSELF will OPEN UP, and the WORLD will be AWASH in BLOOD!! MWAH HA HA HA!! MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!..." 

Sakuya and Meiling watched their loli vampire mistress walk away while laughing maniacally.

"...you'd better bundle up and take an umbrella," Sakuya said.


	68. Rutabaga Rutabaga Rutabaga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Oct-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[magic spell](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains rutabaga. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa walked up to Patchouli. "Rutabaga!" said Marisa.

"No thanks," Patchouli said. "I just had tea."

Marisa pushed a spellbook at Patchouli and frantically pointed out a magic spell. "Rutabaga rutabaga rutabaga!!" she said desperately.

"...oh, I see," Patchouli said. "You attempted to cast an advanced spell, and it went wrong with bizarre random side-effects. And you can't undo it because one side-effect is saying only 'rutabaga'."

"Rutabaga," Marisa said sadly.

"Don't worry. I'll undo it." Patchouli read from the book and attempted to cast the spell herself.

"...rutabaga?" asked Patchouli.

"RUTABAGA!?" Marisa yelled. "RUTABAGA RUTABAGA RUTABAGA!!"

"Rutabaga," Patchouli agreed.


	69. Good Enough To Eat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Oct-2016; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[good to eat](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> Everybody In Gensokyo Is Gay. Reader discretion is advised.

Meiling was keeping Sakuya company in the mansion kitchen. "Tonight's dinner was delicious," Meiling said.

"Thank you," Sakuya said politely.

Meiling gently embraced Sakuya from behind. "What would you say," she purred, "if I said I was still hungry?"

Sakuya chuckled. "I thought your type of _youkai_ didn't eat humans," she said.

"We don't." Meiling gave Sakuya a more-than-friendly squeeze. "But my type of _youkai_ does have a strong sexual appetite."

She felt Sakuya stiffen in her embrace. "Is that a 'no'?" she asked.

"I think," Sakuya said nervously, "I was more comfortable with the literal meaning of the expression."


	70. Me And You, Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Nov-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[memory believes before knowing remembers](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Me And You, Remembering](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkiVL9u4664)" by fIREHOSE. (The Reddit "member" meme is from _South Park_ , but Mike Watt did it better back in 1989.)

Kaguya and Mokou had taken a day off from killing each other for a stroll through the human village.

"Look! They've torn down the blacksmith building!" Kaguya cried. "That was a perfectly good building!"

"Kaguya, they tore it down eighty years ago," Mokou said. "Remember?"

"Oh." Kaguya sighed. "We've had this conversation multiple times, haven't we."

"Remember me and you talkin' about the time *I* couldn't 'member 'memberin'?" Mokou asked.

Kaguya frowned in thought. "...no," she said slowly, "I don't remember that at ALL."

"I'd always heard SHORT-term memory was the first to go," a worried Mokou thought out loud.


	71. Kindling Interest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Nov-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the past is just a bridge we burned down behind us](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa barged into Aya's newspaper office. "Hey Aya?" asked Marisa. "Do you have any old newspapers around here?"

Aya pointed to a large shelf covering a far wall. "That collection goes back to the founding of the paper. Help yourself."

"Ooh! Thanks." Marisa grabbed an armful of papers, and then began to leave with them.

Aya jumped up. "WAIT! Where are you taking those? Can't you do your research here?"

"What research?" Marisa asked. "I just needed some kindling for my fireplaAAARGH!!"

Aya had grabbed Marisa by the neck. "THOSE. ARE. IRREPLACEABLE," the tengu snarled.

"So is my windpipe," Marisa gasped.


	72. Alice's Restaurant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Nov-2016; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[one must work and dare if one really wants to live](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3266685.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Alice's Restaurant](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8NrtPH3HR0) Massacree" by Arlo Guthrie. Happy Thanksgiving!

Reimu was hosting an autumn festival (and drinking party) at the Hakurei Shrine. Alice had volunteered to help prepare some food.

"This food is delicious," Reimu said sincerely. "If you ever tire of being a puppetmaster, you should open your own restaurant in the human village."

"I've thought about it," Alice said, "but a restaurant requires long hours and hard work for small profit."

She picked up a large knife and toyed with it. "...and I'd also have to find a source of... INGREDIENTS."

Reimu was suddenly reminded that, while Alice was kind-hearted and sensible, she was also incredibly terrifying.


	73. The Magic Word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I believe in the magic of words](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.

Marisa walked up to Patchoui. "Hey Patchy!" said Marisa. "Help me with this incantation, would ya?"

Patchouli sighed. "What's the magic word?" she asked.

"That's what I'm ASKIN' you," an annoyed Marisa said. "How do you pronounce this part of—"

"Marisa, I'm not going to help you if you won't say the magic word," Patchouli said sternly.

"How can I SAY it if you won't HELP me with it!?" Marisa yelled.

The two magic-users glared at each other angrily.

And then, Marisa suddenly slapped her forehead. "OH! THAT magic word. I'm sorry, Patchy...

"PLEASE."

Patchouli smiled sweetly. "That's better, dear."


	74. Birthday (Love Maid Real)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it's okay to say 'I love you!' from your heart](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Birth-Day (Love Made Real)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-H1JHsocCg)" by Suzanne Vega.
> 
> This contains lots of love and hugs. Reader discretion is advised.

The Scarlet Devil Mansion was throwing a birthday party for Sakuya.

Remilia and Flandre hugged Sakuya. "Happy birthday!!" Remilia said. "We love you, Sakuya!!"

"Thank you, Milady," Sakuya said modestly. "Thank you, Miss Flandre."

Meiling gave Sakuya a heartfelt bear-hug. "Lots of love, sweetie!!"

"Thanks... Meiling..." Sakuya gasped.

A friendly Koakuma also hugged Sakuya. "I also love you, Sakuya- _san_."

"Goodness!" Sakuya said. "I wasn't expecting THIS much affection!"

And then, the others looked at Patchouli expectantly.

"Oh," Patchouli stammered. "I, uh, well... you know."

"I, um, also... you know," Sakuya said.

"Sakes, you two," Remilia said dryly. "Get a ROOM."


	75. Lunar Or Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[forge ahead to tomorrow](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.

Eirin called to Kaguya from the open door of Kaguya's room. "You've already slept through breakfast," Eirin said. "Aren't you getting up for lunch?"

"Nah," a sleepy Kaguya said from under her _kotatsu_. "And I think I'll skip today's tea too."

"Very well," Eirin said, "but I'd appreciate it if you would join us tomorrow."

"Well, if you're talking in LUNAR days," Kaguya said, "then I might."

"Kaguya, I know we're Lunarians, and I know we're immortal," Eirin said. "But a lunar day is a MONTH in this world. You CAN'T sleep in for a MONTH."

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED," Kaguya declared.


	76. Baka Savant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[even if it’s just for today, I want to be as brilliant as I can be](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.

Keine walked into her classroom, and was surprised to find Cirno sitting there. "Good morning, _sensei_!" said the ice fairy.

"I'm glad you came to see me, dear," Keine said kindly, "but school is out today. I'm only here to water the plants."

"If I'm the only person who came to school today," Cirno said, "that means I'm the smartest student in the whole school!"

"...you're not wrong," Keine admitted reluctantly.

"YAY!!" Cirno gave Keine a hug, and then ran outside to play in traffic.

_She might be an idiot,_ Keine thought, _but she's a GENIUS at being an idiot._


	77. La Petite Mort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jan-2017; horror?/humor; 200 words.
> 
> A non-challenge double-drabble. I have no idea where this idea suddenly came from...
> 
> This contains character pseudo-death and near-explicit creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Kaguya and Mokou were dueling once again. Mokou's luck ran out, and she found herself flat on her back with Kaguya's fist against her neck.

"It's your win," Mokou admitted. "Since you took me alive, today's kill is your choice. What'll it be? Flaying? Vivisection? Paper cuts and lemon juice?"

"Let's try something new, Moko- _chan_. Open up!!" Kaguya pinched Mokou's nose and forced the contents of a small vial down Mokou's throat.

"Puh-poison?" Mokou sputtered. "That's not nuh-new."

"It's not poison," Kaguya said smugly. "It's one of Eirin's 'special' medicines."

"An aphrodisiac!?" Mokou growled. She already felt fevered. "Kaguya, you pervert!! You know I don't like kinky stuff!!"

"It's more than that," Kaguya said. "It's ultra concentrated— about TEN THOUSAND PERCENT more powerful than usual!"

Kaguya began to writhe and moan involuntarily. "WHAT!?" she gasped. "WHY!?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Kaguya said with a _yandere_ grin. "[DEATH BY SNU-SNU!!](http://www.cc.com/video-clips/yttx80/futurama-death-by-snu-snu) You're about to have a climax so lengthy and intense that it'll KILL YOU!! You'll go MAD with UNBEARABLE PLEASURE until your BRAIN FRIES and your HEART BURSTS!! And I'm going to enjoy EVERY SECOND of it!!"

Mokou's last coherent thought was of how she feared she might die of embarrassment first.


	78. Reflecting Poorly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Jan-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[starved for so long of beauty](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.

Koakuma watched Patchouli cast spells over a small glass lying on her reading desk. "Is that a mirror?" she asked.

"Yes and no," Patchouli said. "Remilia wants a 'working' hand-mirror for her boudoir, and so I'm creating a non-silvered glass that will show a vampire's reflection... Oh dear. That's not good."

"Did your sorcery fail?" a concerned Koakuma asked.

"No," Patchouli said while holding her face, "but I just saw my OWN reflection. Look at that double chin!"

"No one looks good at that low angle," Koakuma said reassuringly.

"Still," Patchouli said, "I'd better cut back on the digestive biscuits."


	79. Tricking Out The Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Jan-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[so beautiful, so bizarre, unsuitable and marvelous](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains pending slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Eirin was reviewing a Eientei Clinic inventory list with Reisen.

Eirin pointed out several items that had been crossed off. "Do you know what happened to these items?" she asked.

"Tewi used them in her latest death-trap," Reisen said. "She told me that she wanted to build a particularly elaborate trap."

"A portable ice-maker... fifty gallons of glue... three dozen bowling balls... goodness," Eirin said. "This could be interesting."

"You're going to order me to throw myself into the trap just to see what it does, aren't you," Reisen said sadly.

"You're way ahead of me," a sadistic Eirin agreed.


	80. It's Getting Kind Of Weird Around Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Jan-2017; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Strange things do happen. They happen all the time](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains adorkable silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

Reimu and Marisa were having tea when Aya flew in and sat down next to them with a sigh.

"Problem?" Reimu asked Aya.

"Slow news day," Aya said. "I'm bored stupid."

She suddenly turned to Reimu. "Say, you're an interesting person. Do something interesting."

Reimi blinked in surprise, but then she smiled. "Alright. Why not."

She set down her tea, stood up, and began to perform an elegant ceremonial dance silently.

Marisa rolled her eyes. "She said INTERESTING. Hey Aya, hold my tea and watch THIS."

She also began to dance, but also sang as she danced.   
"♫ _[Uh well uh, everybody's heard about the bird](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Gc4QTqslN4)   
Uh uh uh bird bird bird, the bird is the word..._ ♫"

"Oh, a talent contest? You're on!" Reimu darted away for a moment, and then rode back into view on a unicycle while juggling five balls in an effortless cascade.

Not to be outdone, Marisa summoned her witches' broom, and then continued her song and dance on broomstick over Reimu's head. 

And then, Alice walked up. "What on Earth?..." she asked Aya.

"I think they're trying to outweird each other," Aya explained.

"Oh," said a relieved Alice. "It's just their usual thing, then."


	81. Meilings;Gate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Feb-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[nailed to the source and it won't let go](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains extremely gratuitous nudity. Reader discretion is advised.

Meiling was leaning against the mansion gate. She stretched and yawned, and found that her uniform had wedged in the wrought iron.

Not wanting to tear her clothing, she unfastened it and stepped out of it. She leaned into the gate and tried to pull her uniform free, but to no avail.

And then, when she stood back, her bra snagged and was torn right off her chest.

"* _ahem_ *"

A topless Meiling turned to find Sakuya staring at her. "Um..." she started to say.

"No, keep going," Sakuya said. "I want to see how your panties will get torn off."


	82. Having To Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Feb-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[our first goodbye always seems like hours](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Type-B _tsundere_. Reader discretion is advised.

After spending a day in Patchouli's library, Marisa stood up. "Guess I'll head out now," she said to Patchouli.

"Mmm," Patchouli said without looking up from her book.

"Aintcha gonna say goodbye?" Marisa asked with a smile.

"Doing so would imply that I cared whether you had come," Patchouli noted.

"Aw, c'mon," Marisa said playfully. "Wouldn't you get lonely down here by yourself?"

"I suppose," Patchouli said carefully, "there might be moments when I don't find you completely annoying—"

Marisa hugged her host. "I knew ya cared, ya big softie!"

"I hate having to say goodbye," an embarrassed Patchouli grumbled.


	83. Go With Whom You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[if time is so precious, why are you wasting mine?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.

Mokou was accompanying Keine to a festival in the human village.

"That's a lovely yukata," Mokou said. "If I'd known you were dressing up, I would've dressed up too."

"I wanted to look nice for my 'date'," an unusually flirtatious Keine said with a smile and a wink.

"Aw, cut it out," Mokou said modestly. "You should've gone with some guy from the village."

"Oh?" Keine said. "Did you have other plans?"

"Not really," Mokou said. "Watching bamboo grow, or maybe killing Kaguya again."

"It isn't easy being your best friend," Keine said dryly, "but someone has to do it."


	84. Lunatic Kingdom (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> "I looked deep within myself" is one of my favorite jokes, but I haven't used it with 2hus yet.

Kaguya walked up on Reisen, and found her sitting cross-legged with her eyes closed.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Reisen," said Kaguya. "I didn't know that you had taken up meditation."

Reisen opened her eyes and smiled. "It's alright, Princess. I've found that introspection helps me keep my insanity-inducing powers in check, especially given all the other insanity and general shenanigans here at the clinic."

Kaguya sweat-dropped. "Ah. Well, good luck with that."

"You should try meditation too," Reisen said earnestly.

"Oh HELL no," Kaguya said. "The last time I looked deep within myself, it was really dark and icky in there."


	85. Lunatic Kingdom (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[under the summer moon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou sat just outside her small house in the Bamboo Forest, enjoying a fine summer night with a full moon, and expecting company.

As if on cue, Keine walked up to her house— in [_hakutaku_ form](http://danbooru.donmai.us/posts?tags=ex-keine). "Thanks for having me," she said modestly. "I'm still not comfortable with letting the human village see me like this."

"It's always nice to have you over," Mokou said with a smile, "but you're gonna start rumors if you spend the night at my place every time you're 'horny'."

"Don't mess with the _hakutaku_ , Mokou," an amused Keine said, "or [you'll get the horns](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2WZrxuwDhs&t=2m2s)."


	86. Lunatic Kingdom (part 3)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Mar-2017; humor/romance?; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it smells like pebbles in the rain](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> Everybody In Gensokyo Is Gay. Reader discretion is advised.

Marisa was doing some late-night breaking and entering behind the Scarlet Devil Mansion when a large dragon-shaped moon-shadow fell over her.

Marisa slowly turned to face a smiling Meiling. "Oh, uh... hey," she said weakly. "Uh... it's a nice night, huh."

"If you want to visit us, even late at night, you don't have to break in," Meiling said kindly. "But yes, it's a beautiful night. The sky is clear, the moon is shining, and the air is cool and fresh, like after a rainfall. It's actually quite romantic, isn't it."

Marisa rubbed her neck. "Yeah, I guess so. It's a shame ya gotta work, instead of spendin' time with Sakuya."

"Oh, Sakuya- _san_ and I aren't a couple," Meiling said. "But you should be spending a romantic night like this with Reimu."

"Don't get the wrong idea," Marisa said. "I know Reimu and I spend lots of time together, but we ain't 'together together'."

"So both of us are single?" Meiling asked.

"Yep," Marisa said. "It's a shame, ain't it."

Meiling and Marisa stared at each other in the soft moonlight.

"We're about to do something stupid, aren't we," Meiling said.

"Doin' stupid things is what I do," Marisa noted.


	87. The Crux Of The Biscuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[crux](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[Stink-Foot](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KauE3_wRBwI&t=4m21s)" by Frank Zappa.
> 
> This contains asthmatic humor and a rude gesture. Reader discretion is advised.

Remilia had just made herself a late-night cup of tea in the Scarlet Devil kitchen when Patchouli weakly staggered into the room, wheezing and gasping for breath.

"Problem?" Remilia asked.

"* _hanh_ * * _hanh_ * * _hanh_ *" Patchouli said as she pointed at the cabinets where Sakuya kept the cookies.

"Did you run out of digestive biscuits?" Remilia asked.

"* _hanh_ * * _hanh_ * * _hanh_ *" Patchouli said again.

"I know that you suffer from asthma," Remilia said, "but you might not lose your breath so easily if you exercised instead of eating cookies all night long."

"* _hanh_ * * _hanh_ * * _hanh_ *" Patchouli said as she gave Remilia the finger.


	88. Medicine Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> The "Reisen as Bugs Bunny" jokes will never get old.
> 
> This contains cruel humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"You've been testing pharmaceuticals on Reisen again, haven't you?" Kaguya asked Eirin.

"Yes, I've been working on a preventative treatment," Eirin said. "What gave it away?"

Kaguya turned to Reisen. "How you doin', kiddo?" she asked.

"[Ickety ackety oop](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu92wc7IQl0&t=0m50s) ehh ehh," a heavily medicated Reisen said. "Ziggety zaggety zoop aah aah. Ooh ooh * _thppbt_ * aah aah * _hrrghk_ *. Flippety flappety floop."

Kaguya turned back to Eirin. "And exactly WHAT is THAT supposed to prevent!?" she asked.

"MY OWN BOREDOM," Eirin said with a dead-eyed _yandere_ smile.

"Are you sure you haven't been using some of the drugs yourself?" Kaguya asked nervously.


	89. Great Barrier Beef

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.

Yukari found Reimu inspecting the Hakurei Shrine grounds. "Problem?" Yukari asked.

"You need to strengthen the Great Hakurei Barrier," Reimu grumbled. "Another outsider found their way in."

"You say that as if it were a bad thing," Yukari said.

"The purpose of the Great Barrier is to keep outsiders OUTSIDE!" Reimu snapped.

"Not entirely," Yukari said. "A GOOD barrier keeps everybody out of Gensokyo... but a GREAT barrier lets the CLEVER people IN."

"...you might not be as lazy and stupid as I first thought," Reimu admitted reluctantly.

Yukari fanned herself haughtily. "That's high praise," she said, "coming from YOU."


	90. The Wrongest Strongest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[inside her heart, the innermost chamber was lined with frost](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.
> 
> The Stupid, It Burns. Reader discretion is advised.

Cirno was pestering Meiling at the mansion front gate again. "Could you teach me some fighting techniques?" Cirno asked.

"I guess I could try," Meiling said, playing along with Cirno's ego. "But I thought you were already the strongest of them all."

"It's not enough to be the strongest," the cute little ice fairy declared solemnly. "I wish to [crush my enemies](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Conan_the_Barbarian_\(1982_film\)#Conan), to see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentations of their women."

Meiling held her face in her hands. "If you want to hear the lamentations of women," she whimpered, "I have a few right now."


	91. Plants And Birds And Rocks And Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[she didn't want a world of trees and she didn't want a world of stones](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[A Horse With No Name](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSZXWdKSQNM)" by America.

Eirin sat in an open doorway of the Eientei Clinic, enjoying some pleasant spring weather.

Kaguya slowly crawled up on her hands and knees. "Help Me Eirin!™" she cried piteously.

"You've been outside for less than five minutes," Eirin said patiently.

"But the SUN, and the TREES, and the BIRDS, and even the ROCKS, are ALL so AWFUL!!" the _hikkikomori_ princess wept. "I want my _kotatsu_ , and my video games, and my nice DARK air-conditioned ROOOOOOM!!"

"You've been out much longer, and walked much further, to duel with Mokou," Eirin noted.

"But that's DIFFERENT!!" Kaguya whined. "Killing Mokou is FUN!!"


	92. Grasshopper Hop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[she grows grasshoppers quicker than flowers](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains partial nudity and purposeful out-of-character humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Yuuka was working in a flower-bed when a large grasshopper landed on her arm.

"Well, hello there," Yuuka said condescendingly. "Aren't you an ugly little fellow?"

The grasshopper spat "tobacco juice" at her.

"Why, you!!—" Yuuka moved to squash it, but it jumped up her arm— and then, down her blouse.

—

Aya spotted Wriggle and flew up to her. "Hi Aya!" said Wriggle.

"Is anything interesting happening today?" Aya the reporter asked hopefully.

As if on cue, a half-naked Yuuka ran past, screaming like a submissive girl and frantically pulling off her remaining clothing.

"Well... there's that," Wriggle said nervously.


	93. The Night Has A Thousand Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 27-Apr-2017; horror/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[outside, the fairies waited](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "[The Night Has A Thousand Eyes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GQAmTznY2o)" by Bobby Vee.

Reimu was sitting on the shrine steps late one dark evening with a new moon.

A pair of golden lights appeared in nearby brush. _Are those fireflies?_ Reimu thought. _...no, they're not flickering. It must be a fairy's eyes._

Then another pair of lights appeared, and then another, and another. Reimu soon found herself surrounded by dozens, or hundreds, of tiny unblinking yellow eyes, silently fixated on her, watching her...

...waiting.

The normally fearless Reimu backed through the open shrine doorway, closed the door, went to her futon, and crawled into it, resolving to herself to never ever come out again.


	94. I Hate Sauerkraut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-May-2017; humor?/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[from inside, it's different](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains gratuitous fanboy quotes. Reader discretion is advised.

"I've had my most detailed vision yet of the 'other world'," Merry said to Renko during a meeting of the Secret Sealing Club.

"That's amazing!" Renko said. "What was it like, exactly?"

"[A magical, far away place](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooI3u4uzEss&t=1m0s)," Merry said, "where the sun is always shining, and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so FLUFFY! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!!"

"On second thought, let's NOT go to Gensokyo," Renko said. "[It is a silly place.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWh9JbBZC_Q&t=1m34s)"


	95. What's That Blue Thing Doing Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-May-2017; crossover/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[behind the blue door](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Fingertips part 13](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUTa-5lP9sQ)" by They Might Be Giants.
> 
> (I imagined Yukari lusting after the Eighth Doctor, but I left that open.)

Reimu was sweeping up by the Hakurei Shrine entrance when she heard a strange grinding noise.

A blue phone booth appeared, and then Yukari stepped out. "Thanks again for the lift," she said.

The phone booth disappeared, and then Yukari noticed Reimu frowning at her. "What?" she asked.

"You shouldn't accept rides from strangers," Reimu said, "and especially madmen in police boxes."

"I can take care of myself," Yukari said. "And have you seen his latest incarnation? Ooh, COME to MAMA!..."

"I take that back," Reimu said as Yukari openly drooled. "HE shouldn't give rides to perverted _youkai_ like YOU."


	96. Steal My Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-May-2017; angst/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[steal the glow](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Steal My Sunshine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1fzJ_AYajA)" by Len.

Marisa knocked at Alice's door, late one fine summer morning. "Hiya, Alice!" said Marisa. "Ya wanna go—"

Alice cut her off. "You're wanting me to help you with another harebrained scheme, right?"

Marisa's face fell. "No! I just—"

"You can't lie, cheat, and steal your way through life!" Alice said sternly.

Marisa bit her lip. "Hey, c'mon!—"

"I'm not angry," Alice said. "I'm just DISAPPOINTED."

Marisa suddenly burst into tears. "WHAAAH!! I only wanted to invite ya to a picnic lunch, ya BIG MEANIE!!"

Alice muttered an apology and gave Marisa an awkward hug. _Practice people skills_ , Alice reminded herself.


	97. Failure To Execute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-May-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) [May 2017](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html) Amnesty Day prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> The May 2017 set has only 30 prompts, and so I'm using "Amnesty Day" itself as the 31st prompt.

Mokou barged into Eientei and knocked at the open door of Kaguya's room. "OI!!" Mokou yelled. "Are we dueling today?"

"Don't wanna," a lazing Kaguya said from under her _kotatsu_. "The ennui of the eons hangs heavy over me today."

"Really? You're letting me live?" Mokou asked smugly.

"As a Lunarian Princess, I hereby stay your execution." Kaguya waved in Mokou's direction without looking. "Be free and go do whatever."

"Damn, Kaguya," said Mokou. "You're just a big lazy sack of potatoes, you know?"

"If I could reach you," Kaguya said, "I would chew on your ankle so hard for that."


	98. Cheese And Onions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Jun-2017; angst?/humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[tears never solved anything](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Cheese And Onions](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePaHG6g7uFw)" by the Rutles.

Meiling had gone to the Scarlet Devil kitchen, and found Sakuya standing at a counter, apparently preparing dinner. But when Sakuya turned to Meiling, her face was streaked with tears.

Meiling was shocked to see the stoic maid seemingly showing strong emotion. "Sakuya!? What's wrong!?"

Sakuya awkardly brushed her eyes with the backs of her hands, so as not to touch her eyes with her fingers. "Don't worry, Meiling. I was just cutting onions— Meiling!?"

Already in tears herself, Meiling ran up to her employer and hugged her fiercely. "It's OK, sweetie," Meiling said shakily. "You don't have to make any excuses. You can talk to me about anything."

Sakuya sighed, but smiled. "I really was just cutting onions. See? They're right here—"

They both heard another gasp, and found a shiny-eyed Koakuma standing in the doorway. "Oh no! Sakuya! Meiling! Are you alright?"

And then, a tearful Remilia walked up. "Sakuya, I wish you had talked to me before it had come to THIS!"

"OH, for PITY'S SAKE!" Sakuya cried. I was ONLY CUTTING ONIONS!!"

"I KNOW!!" Remilia suddenly bawled. "I HATE onions!! They're almost as icky as GARLIC!!"

_I wonder_ , Sakuya thought to herself, _if Eientei is hiring._


	99. Scooped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Jun-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[little misunderstanding](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains a Dad Joke. Reader discretion is advised.

Aya was staring at the ceiling of her newspaper office when Yukari opened a gap next to her.

"Big scoop at the Moriya shrine," Yukari said. "Want me to gap you over there?"

Aya grabbed her camera. "Let's roll."

—

"Goodness," Aya said to Yukari. "Eirin and Eientei are here? And Reimu, Marisa, and Alice? And the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and even Mokou and Keine? This must be a really big scoop!"

They walked up to Sanae, who was cranking a huge wooden bucket. "Hi Aya!" she said. "Want some ice cream?"

"Give me a big scoop, please," Aya said sadly.


	100. Don't Give Her Credit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Jun-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[someone should mourn him, even if for a moment](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Marisa was eagerly rummaging through Kourindou's shelves and boxes of knick-knacks while Rinnosuke lounged at the counter.

"I love lookin' at all the stuff you find," Marisa said. "Y'know, I'd be really sad if anything happened to you."

"Really?" a touched Rinnosuke said.

"Yep," Marisa said. "I doubt anyone else would be dumb enough to give ME a line of credit."

Rinnosuke's shoulders drooped. "Probably not," he agreed sadly.

"Aw, buck up, little camper." Marisa comically patted the much taller Rinnosuke's head. "There ain't a lot of men in Gensokyo, and I'd also miss having a man to tease mercilessly."


	101. RE Eirin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Jul-2017; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I feel like I have known you my whole life](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Eirin had gone to the human village to buy some supplies for the clinic. After making her purchases, she chatted with the elderly storeowner and her teenaged granddaughter.

"Miss Yagokoro has been coming since I was a baby," the girl said after Eirin left, "and I think she hasn't aged a single day."

"Actually, she's been coming since *I* was a baby," the woman said. "My memory isn't so good anymore, but she's exactly the same as I remember first seeing her."

"Do you think she's immortal?" the girl asked.

"Well," the old woman said, "she's certainly a loyal customer."


	102. I'll Set Myself On Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Jul-2017; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[I'll Set Myself On Fire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2gcc44svgM)" by XTC.
> 
> This contains character pseudo-death and a gratuitous pun. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou was trying to tidy up around her house in the Bamboo Forest shortly before Keine came for a visit. Unfortunately for her, Kaguya had come for an earlier visit, and then she had refused to leave.

"Fer cryin' out loud!!" Mokou cried as flames began to flicker around her. "You have all of eternity to pester me!! Can't you leave me alone for today!?"

"Nope," Kaguya said smugly. "I'm gonna annoy you FOREVER and EVER and— WHOAH!!"

"RRRAAAAARRRGH!!" Mokou's flames suddenly raged— but instead of attacking Kaguya, she went into full phoenix mode, and incinerated her own body out of sheer frustration.

"Oh my," Kaguya said even more smugly to the pile of dust and ashes that had been Mokou. "It's been awhile since I've driven you to self-immolation."

Keine knocked at Mokou's front door, and then walked in. "Kaguya? Where's Mokou? I thought I heard her shouting."

"You're standing on her," Kaguya said, "or rather, what's left of her."

"Ugh! Damn it, Kaguya!" a disgusted Keine said as she checked the soles of her feet.

"It's not MY fault," Kaguya said, "if Mokou makes an ASH of herself!"

"UGH!! DAMN IT, KAGUYA!!" an even more disgusted Keine said.


	103. That's Crazy Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[this is why hell is underground](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

"Be careful," Reimu said to Alice and Marisa. "Clownpiece is back from hell and spreading madness with her torch."

"That might be so," Alice said, "but I've decided that I should stop obsessing over my dolls and get out more often."

"And I need to return all the stuff that I've stolen," Marisa said. "Honesty an' fair play are the true paths to success."

"Too late," Reimu noted. "I wonder whether Clownpiece is ever affected by her torch herself..."

—

"I've just realized," a temporarily insane Clownpiece said to Cirno, "that you ARE the strongest."

"I know, right?" Cirno said proudly.


	104. Book Kasen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I don't expect to touch the sky with my two hands](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Kasen had made a rare visit to the Scarlet Devil Mansion to consult a book in Patchouli's library.

"The book you want is close at hand, but it's on a top shelf," Patchouli said while pointing it out.

"Shall I fetch the rolling step-ladder?" Koakuma asked.

"Thank you, but there's no need," Kasen said. "[GO GO KASEN ARM!!](http://inspectorgadget.wikia.com/wiki/Inspector_Gadget_\(character\))"

Kasen's bandaged right "arm" [unravelled from the wrist](https://dynasty-scans.com/chapters/wild_and_horned_hermit_ch35#14) like a spring, allowing her to pull the book down from where she stood.

"That's quite convenient," Patchouli said to Koakuma.

Koakuma timidly hugged herself. "Please do not surgically remove my arm," she whimpered.


	105. Daisy Chained (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Earth with her many garlands is embroidered](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Concluded in [part 2](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6089548/chapters/26664120).
> 
> This contains brief violence and weird humor. Reader discretion is advised.

As Kaguya and Mokou dueled in the Bamboo Forest, Kaguya threw Mokou into some bristled wildflowers.

"TIME OUT!!" Mokou shouted.

Instead, Kaguya pinned her down. "Why, Mokou!" she said smugly. "Surely these flowers don't hurt?"

"These plants exude a paralyzing poison!!" Mokou cried. "I'm already frozen!! Pull me out before—"

Kaguya collapsed onto Mokou face-to-face. "Too late," she said. "So, how long will we be paralyzed?"

"The flowers are in full bloom," Mokou said. "If Eirin doesn't find us, we could be frozen for WEEKS."

"Ah," Kaguya said awkwardly. "So, um... how've you been?"

"I HAVE been BETTER," Mokou growled.


	106. Daisy Chained (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Aug-2017; horror?/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[in my season I used to weave love garlands](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Continued from [part 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089548/chapters/26638707). This takes place several hours (days? weeks?) after part 1.
> 
> This contains lost souls. Reader discretion is advised.

Keine knocked at the open door of Eirin's clinic office. "I came as soon as I could," she said. "Where's Mokou?"

Eirin pointed to a blanket-covered figure holding a cup of cocoa, looking like a lost child rescued from a flood.

"Are you OK, sweetie?" Keine asked.

Mokou looked up with tears in her eyes. "Keine! I couldn't kill Kaguya! I actually had to SPEND TIME with her!!"

"Oh, you poor thing!" Keine hugged her.

"Kaguya's taking their forced time together even harder," Eirin said.

—

Kaguya lay in a fetal position beneath her _kotatsu_.

"The horror," Kaguya whispered. "[The HORROR...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSWtc01BlqM&t=3m56s)"


	107. Flora And Fungus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a tender girl picking flowers](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Alice and Marisa had called on Reimu after spending an afternoon foraging in the Forest of Magic.

Reimu examined Alice's opened basket. "What beautiful wildflowers! And you've also found wild herbs and edible roots? We'll have a fine meal tonight."

And then, Reimu turned and examined Marisa's basket. "And as usual, you've collected suggestively-shaped mushrooms."

"It ain't my fault if the best 'shrooms look like this." Marisa picked out a particularly phallic fungus and stroked it gently.

Alice and Reimu blushed.

"If this is all it takes to embarrass you," Marisa said smugly, "you need to get out more often."


	108. You Can't Save The World Every Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Sep-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a desire to save the world from chaos](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).

Kasen was trudging from the Hakurei Shrine back to her home in the mountains when Aya spotted her.

"Got a moment to talk to the press?" Aya asked eagerly.

"Just a moment, please," Kasen said. "I'm rather tired."

"So, what did you have to do to save Gensokyo from certain destruction?" Aya asked.

Kasen raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? I've done no such thing today."

"Then why are you tired?" Aya asked.

"I've been TRYING to get Reimu and Marisa to DO something," Kasen explained, "besides sitting around and drinking tea."

"That IS hard work," Aya agreed.


	109. Full Moon Flower

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Sep-2017; horror/humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all this foolishness about moons and blossoms](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).
> 
> I used to grow moonflowers myself. The flowers were beautiful and smelled wonderful, but they kinda weirded me out because they were large enough to be face-huggers.
> 
> This contains character pseudo-death and grim humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Mokou was sneaking into Eientei late one evening to ambush Kaguya in her quarters when she noticed a climbing vine with huge fragrant white flowers.

_Are those moonflowers?_ Mokou thought. _I suppose Lunarians would like those flowers. Kaguya might be a stinker, but her flowers smell good..._

She leaned in to smell the nearest flower— and it suddenly sealed itself over her face.

Several vines quickly wrapped around Mokou's body, and she struggled weakly as she was dragged to her latest doom.

—

"Kaguya?" asked Eirin. "Did you remember to feed your new carnivorous plant?"

"Indeed I did," Kaguya said smugly.


	110. Troubling Finding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Sep-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[all clues, no solutions](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).

"How goes the annual inventory of the library?" Patchouli asked Koakuma.

"Not good, I'm afraid." Koakumu put on reading glasses and held up handwritten notes. "Section Eight is missing thirteen volumes..."

"Oh dear," Patchouli said.

"The southwest annex is missing twenty-seven volumes... and..."

"And?..." 

"...and the area near the back entrance had a black-white witch." Koakuma reached into Hammerspace and held up Marisa by her collar.

Marisa grinned shamelessly. "Sup," she said.

Patchouli sighed. "Ah. Well, thanks for your work. It's important to find problems like these."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Marisa lied, "but it wasn't me."


	111. Can't Hold A Candle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[darkness honestly lived through is a place of wonder and life](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Sakuya knocked at the open doorway of a dark drawing room, and found Remilia sitting in nearly-complete darkness.

"Milady?" asked Sakuya. "May I light a lamp? I can't see to serve you."

"Better to light a candle," Remilia said, "than to curse the darkness."

"Is that a 'yes'?" Sakuya asked.

"Who am I to say?" the melodramatic loli vampire said distantly. "For I am forever consigned to dwell in darkness—"

Sakuya interrupted her. "Milady?"

"Yes, Sakuya?"

"Pardon my impudence, but cut the crap."

Remilia sighed. "You have no poetry in your soul."

"You're not cutting the crap," Sakuya said patiently.


	112. KleptoMarisa (part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[there is a hunger which is always new](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Concluded in [part 2](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6089548/chapters/28430748).

Alice met with Marisa as she returned to her house with another knapsack full of loot from the Scarlet Devil Mansion.

"You can't keep doing this, you know," Alice said sternly. "You don't have room in your house for a mansion-ful of stolen property."

"Aw, gimme a break," Marisa said as she opened her front door. "I still have plenty of room—"

She was instantly buried under an avalanche of miscellaneous debris.

"Marisa?" said Alice. "The first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem."

"No problem here," Marisa said from under the pile of plunder.


	113. KleptoMarisa (part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Oct-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[there is a forgetting of all existence](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Continued from [part 1](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6089548/chapters/28395336).

With Alice supervising, Marisa was reluctantly sorting her clutter into "keep," "return," and "discard" piles.

Marisa held up a doll. "I forgot I 'borrowed' this from you," Marisa said sheepishly.

Alice snatched the doll. "Ma-RI-sa! I'd gladly make a doll for you if you'd just ASK!"

"Sorry." Marisa returned to her work, but then she paused again. "Oops," she said.

"NOW what!?" Alice said.

Marisa held up Nitori by her collar.

"You STOLE a KAPPA!?" Alice cried.

"I'm OK with it," Nitori said. "It's nice to feel wanted."

"It's NOT NICE," Alice yelled, "and YOU SHOULDN'T BE OK WITH IT!!"


	114. Have You Hugged Your Hermit Today?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Nov-2017; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[be my thrill](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Yukari popped up from a gap behind Reimu's _kotatsu_ and hugged the figure seated at it from behind. "[Hello sweetie](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/River_Song_\(Doctor_Who\))," Yukari purred.

But then, Yukari drew back in mock horror. "WHAT THE—!?" she cried melodramatically. "You're not Reimu!"

Kasen turned and smiled at her old acquaintance. "Sorry to disappoint you," she said. "Reimu stepped away for a moment."

"Ah. I beg your pardon, dear." Yukari stepped out of her gap, bowed slightly, and then sat at the _kotatsu_ across from Kasen.

"Why so formal all of a sudden?" Kasen asked. "I don't mind a hug now and again."

"You've never been the touchy-feely type for as long as I've known you," Yukari noted, "and that's a very long time indeed."

Kasen reached across the table and patted Yukari's hand. "Perhaps you don't know this wild horned hermit as well as you think."

Yukari smiled in pleasant surprise. "Either you're in a VERY good mood," she said, "or Reimu has been a good influence on you."

Reimu returned and sighed loudly. "Yukari? Please don't annoy Kasen."

Yukari disappeared into a gap, reappeared behind Reimu, and hugged Reimu from behind. "HELLO SWEETIE," she purred again.

Reimu face-palmed. "Yukari? Please don't annoy Reimu."


	115. Moon Unit Of Measure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Nov-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the whole of the moon](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Toyohime and Yorihime were paying another visit to Eirin and Kaguya at Eientei.

"Have you reconsidered your self-exile?" Yorihime asked Eirin. "You're missed. You were the greatest intellect in the entire Moon. Isn't that right, Toyohime?... Toyohime?"

Toyohime didn't answer. She was daydreaming, and drooling, about eating peaches.

"No offense, dear," Eirin said, "but 'greatest intellect in the entire Moon' isn't exactly a high bar to clear."

"No offense taken," Yorihime said, "but..." She pointed at Kaguya, who was just barely staying awake.

"I love and serve Kaguya," said Eirin, "but she isn't the brightest coal under the _kotatsu_ either."


	116. Unturning Over An Old Leaf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Dec-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the last leaf falls](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Marisa and Alice entered the front grounds of the Hakurei Shrine. They found Reimu holding a broom, standing on a freshly-swept path next to a pile of autumn leaves, and staring up at the nearest tree.

"Heya, Reimu!" said Marisa. "Whatcha lookin' at?"

Reimu pointed at a single leaf remaining on the tree. She was apparently waiting for it to fall so that she could sweep it up.

"Either she's taking her shrine duties too seriously," Alice said to Marisa, "or else she just doesn't have anything better to do."

"Five'll get ya ten it's the second one," Marisa said.


	117. Cut To The Quick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Dec-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[where hope is currency and death is not the last unknown](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains literally grim humor. Reader discretion is advised.

While reading a volume of forgotten lore at home, Kasen suddenly winced and sucked on a finger of her 'good' arm.

"Ooh!" a voice behind her said. "That's a NASTY paper cut, Kasen."

"Komachi?... Don't get your hopes up," Kasen said. "It's hardly life-threatening."

"You never know," the _shinigami_ said. "It could become infected, or even gangrenous!"

Kasen sighed. "Don't you have anything better to do than waiting for me to die?"

"Nope," Komachi said. "I'm just 'killing time'... GET it? KILLING time? HAR HAR HAR!!"

Kasen face-palmed. "You're killing me," she groaned.

"REALLY!?" Komachi asked eagerly.

"NO!!" Kasen cried.


	118. Twisting By The Pool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I have swam through libraries](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Twisting By The Pool](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMX_B8Iumsg)" by Dire Straits.
> 
> This takes place shortly after _Silent Sinner In Blue_.

Marisa walked up to Patchouli's reading desk, wearing her modest one-piece swimsuit. "Where's the swimming pool?" she asked.

"Remilia lost interest in it," Patchouli said, "and it was taking up too much floor space."

"And just when it was finally warm enough to enjoy it," a disappointed Marisa said.

"You could go 'jump in the Misty Lake'," Patchouli suggested.

"You'd like that, wouldn't ya," Marisa said with a smile.

"Well, at least put some clothes on," Patchouli said. "It's childish to run around in a swimsuit."

"So says the sorceress who sits around in her dressing gown," Marisa said smugly.


	119. As The Crow Flies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[that smiling sky](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

As Meiling watched, Aya repeatedly swooped over the Scarlet Devil Mansion while taking pictures.

"I don't mind if you fly over the grounds," Meiling said, "but please don't take pictures like that."

"Oh?" Aya said smugly. "And how are you going to stop meEEEEEEEK!!"

With superhuman strength, speed, and accuracy, Meiling jumped up, grabbed Aya's ear, and dragged her down to earth.

"Now that I have your ear," Meiling also said smugly, "do I have your ear?"

"Ow ow I'd like to apologize ow ow sincerely for any offense ow ow I might have ow ow caused ow," said Aya.


	120. Reisen's Psychedelic Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[by the time I stop actually panicking this will be over](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Alan's Psychedelic Breakfast](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9dK-r0htXI)" by Pink Floyd.
> 
> This second attempt doesn't really follow the prompt, but my first attempt needed a complete rewrite.
> 
> This contains controlled substance humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Eirin joined Reisen and Kaguya for breakfast, and handed a small vial to Reisen.

"Test this medicine, please," Eirin said. "It's to be taken with food."

"Isn't it kinda early for that?" Kaguya asked Eirin.

"I was up all night preparing it," Eirin said.

"It's alright, Princess. It's my job." Reisen took Eirin's medicine and began to eat, but paused.

"How do you feel?" Eirin asked.

"Oh WOW," an intoxicated Reisen said as she stared at her open palms. "[HANDS are WEIRD](https://twitter.com/COSenDem/status/948948921694302209)."

"That isn't the effect I'd hoped for," Eirin admitted.

"She has a point," Kaguya said. "Hands ARE weird."


	121. Accentuate The Negative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[focusing only on your negatives won't help you](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> By my count, this is [my 2500th drabble](http://archiveofourown.org/works?user_id=KB9VCN&utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=Drabble)!

"You know," Reimu said to Kasen, "if anyone other than YOU kept nagging me to work harder, I would be seriously annoyed. But you've lived such a long life, and done so much good work. I am the Hakurei Shrine maiden, but still, you make my accomplishments seem meager by comparison. Maybe I really should push myself harder."

"That's wonderful, but don't be too critical of yourself," Kasen said with a smile. "After all, that's MY job."

"When you grow tired of harping on ME," Reimu added, "I know a certain black-white witch who could also use some constructive criticism."


	122. Can't Sleep, Clownpiece Will Eat Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[death by nursery tale](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Can't Sleep, Clowns Will Eat Me](https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859513236)" by Alice Cooper.
> 
> This contains random silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

Sakuya was awakened late one evening by a pounding at her door. She opened it to find a frightened Meiling.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" Meiling whimpered.

Sakuya face-palmed. "You're the GUARD!! Why are you—"

Meiling yelped and dived under Sakuya's blanket— and then Clownpiece walked up, carrying a rifle longer than herself.

"What are you doing?" Sakuya asked patiently.

Clownpiece shushed her. "Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting _youkai_. * _ehehehehe_ *"

"Why are you hunting our guard?" Sakuya asked.

"I'm not really hunting her," Clownpiece said. "Cirno told me that she's fun to tease."

"Well, that's true," Sakuya agreed.


	123. A Big Dam Explosion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Mar-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the 'Bolshevik Muppet' solution](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3333751.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Alice had gone to the Hakurei Shrine for another leisurely visit with Reimu.

"Do you know where Marisa is?" Reimu asked. "I was expecting to see her too."

"Nitori invited her to watch the kappa start construction of a new reservoir in the Youkai Mountain ravine," Alice explained.

"I'm surprised that our Marisa is interested in heavy construction," Reimu said.

"They have to remove an outcrop of bedrock first," Alice said, "and that means—"

As if on cue, they overheard a distant but VERY large loud controlled explosion.

"Ah," Reimu said. "Marisa WOULD enjoy the excavation stage of the project."


	124. Aya Ay-Yi-Yi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it's not what you did but what you will do](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains pending extreme violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Yuuka was sowing sunflower seeds in her fields when Aya flew in. "Good morning!" Aya said cheerfully.

"What do you want, _tengu_?" Yuuka grumbled. "As if I didn't already know."

"A story," Aya said. "So, have you beaten the snot out of anyone recently?"

"No, I've been busy working in my flower-beds," Yuuka growled. "Now, if you DON'T MIND—"

"Actually, I don't mind if I do!" The crow _tengu_ kneeled, picked up a few sunflower seeds, and ate them.

Yuuka grabbed Aya by her collar. "How about THIS headline: LOCAL YOUKAI BEATS SNOT OUT OF TENGU!!"

"* _ayayaya_ *" Aya said meekly.


	125. Thoughts And Prayers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[pray to every god you know and then some](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains general weirdness. Reader discretion is advised.

Eirin and Yukari were catching up with Kanako.

"Are you alright, dear?" Eirin asked Kanako. "You seem tired."

"My 'work' has been difficult lately," the goddess said. "I've overheard some unusual prayers."

"Oh?" Yukari asked. "Do tell, dah-ling."

"Well, for example," Kanako said, "a certain pharmacist has been hoping to invent some seriously weird drugs and test them on her poor little assistant."

"It's strictly for SCIENCE," a guilty Eirin lied.

"And as for YOU," Kanako said to Yukari, "I have NO idea what YOU'RE thinking!"

"And that's just the way I like it," the ever-enigmatic gap _youkai_ said smugly.


	126. Humming Heard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 14-May-2018; horror?/humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the darkness hums](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.

Koakuma walked up to Patchouli's reading desk. "Do you hear that?" she asked.

"Do you mean, that humming voice?" Patchouli asked. "I thought that was you."

"Maybe it's Remilia," Koakuma said.

"I doubt it," Patchouli said. "She usually has tea with Flandre around now."

"Sakuya?" asked Koakuma.

"Our perfectly elegant maid works in perfectly elegant silence," Patchouli noted.

"Meiling?" asked Koakuma.

"It's HUMMING," Patchouli said patiently, "not SNORING."

Koakuma clutched at Patchouli's sleeve. "Then... who?..." she whimpered.

"Why are YOU frightened?" Patchouli asked. "You're a DEVIL, for pity's sake."

"Who knows what unspeakable horror could be lurking in the library!" Koakuma said.

As if on cue, Marisa walked up. "Sup," she said cheerfully.

"There, you see?" Patchouli said. "It was Marisa all along."

"It wasn't me," Marisa said reflexively.

"It's alright," Patchouli said. "We just overheard you humming."

Marisa blinked in surprise. "Sorry Patchy, but that really wasn't me."

Koakuma clutched at Patchouli's sleeve again. "What's eatin' HER?" Marisa asked.

"She overheard someone, or someTHING, humming," Patchouli said. "Oh, there it is again."

A terrified Marisa suddenly clutched at Patchouli's other sleeve. "What're we gonna DO!?" she cried.

"*I* can't do anything," Patchouli said, "until you two release my sleeves."


End file.
